Uncle Earl’s Management Primer
Uncle Earl is quick to point out that ’since failure is now an option,’ management textbooks should reflect this important inflection point. What we’ve learned about management in the past may turn out to be all fucked up?
First, it is important to understand failure. Failure is such an inevitability that it’s critical to nail this down first. This makes mediocrity much easier to accept.
If you rely on solid teamwork and a willingness to sacrifice you will find that you can be effective in meetings and in doing so uphold the traditions of the company. Traditions make a company culture strong.
Uncle Earl says that there are two other keys to success in the corporate world. First, you have to have great persistence in the pursuit of your dreams. Secondly, it is important to know how to effectively blame others as part of your career advancement. Feeling superior to your colleagues removes all apathy from your work experience.
Uncle Earl insists that if you do these things, then soon you will be placed in charge of corporate planning. Fifteen or so years of this, then your retirement. If you take early retirement then you can even have a second career in consulting.
Or
All of this of course takes a lot of work. So, Uncle Earl, always remembering that failure now is an option, says that it might be time to just go ahead and quit now, and avoid the rush. “Because,” he says, “half of us will soon be out of work anyway, so you might as well go ahead and start collecting that unemployment check in time for summer vacation.”
Happy Easter!
(Thanks Despair Inc., you’re awesome!)
The Butcher
An event where you order 15 cases of beer and write inane comments about your coworkers, or, if you are a real asshole, your boss or direct reports…
A form of corporate theater where senior executives feign vulnerability in exchange for sycophantic loyalty.
Awarded for excellent corporate citizenship. “AAA” stands for “Attack”, “Assault”, and “Attorney”. If you’re not in court then you’re not in business.
If you’re sick and you don’t show up for work, you’re screwed. If you’re sick and you do show up for work, you’re screwed. See Scylla and Charybdis.
Recently deciphered ancient religious script that details the history of obsessive/compulsive disorders. A counting is now understood to be a psycho-somatic episode that occurs when a person either longs for something or misplaces something. See Thy Neighbor’s Wife.
The scientific term for the smallest unit of proof that shit actually gets done around here. See Brownian Motion.
The antagonist in the Old English epic Angle Genemnode Wæron (The Torment of Warren). And thus did the Administrator penalize Warren for arriving at the castle late the morning after his scheduled battle with Gaferal…
That great promise on which all retail business hinges. If you buy our product, you will have unlimited sex, beauty, wealth, and Hawai’ian vacations.
From the Olde English anal (to be anal) and lyst (to make lists), the modern day analyst spends his or her waking hours compiling list after list of things about businesses—sales, revenue, market capitalization, number of employees, etc. See Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.
Assets? We have assets? Holy shit, someone go find a manager!
It’s not the economy, stupid… it’s culture. Why? Because economies are cultures inscribed—their values, goals, and priorities. We’ve been making much fun of generic American business practices here for several months, in part because it is so damn easy. This is as much a stinging critique of larger structures in American culture as it is anything. Fucked up business practices reflect the fucked up cultures that produce them… Oh well, have another drink and go back to sleep.
Austin Inc.
As Bandit has been hinting at here, we are now trying to be a bit more positive. As we continue our fear and loathing in coworking journey, we are now in San Francisco, writing from Ritual Roasters. It is really hard not to be positive when you are hanging out in a place this sweet.
With that in mind, I am thinking about the Culture->Business connection in Austin, Texas, my favorite place in all the world. If economics (and thus business) is an extension of a place’s culture, then the types of businesses and business culture that thrive in a given place is as much a cultural statement as an economic one. In Austin, the businesses are distinct, and combined they tell a story.
GSD&M, one of the most creative ad firms in the world (now called Idea City), sits across from Whole Foods, the largest natural foods grocery chain in the world. Just read Whole Foods’ ‘Declaration of Interdependence’ and you can quickly see that it is not just another grocery store chain.
Several years ago in a Fast Company article on cool hotels, Austin’s Hotel San Jose received a write-up, and deservedly so. It is one of the most unique and special hotels you will ever encounter, and it is quintessentially Austin. The San Jose distills the Southwest/Japanese Zen/Northern California (Mill Valley) design elements to create the embodiment of the Texas Zen architectural trope that now is visible throughout the city. Austin-modern is its own thing, and the San Jose helps define that aesthetic.
And the music. What can I say, on any given night you can see great music in countless places, and thus Austin’s claim to being the music capital of the world: because it is. For larger and outside consumption there is, of course, Austin City Limits. ACL is a cultural institution that many of us grew up on, and seeing Crowded House on the other night brought life full circle.
And SXSW, what can I say. In addition to being one of the go-to music festivals in the US each year, it has become both a technology and film festival that rival some of the best in the world.
As a friend once put it, ‘Yeah, it’s a Groovy Little City.’
Austin’s groovy businesses are successful because they are of the culture and for the culture in which they are rooted. While this is true of any given cultural milieu, to be sure, Austin is its own thing. Celebrating Austin’s businesses is a celebration of culture, a worthy celebration indeed.
See you guys at SXSW!
The Butcher
The successful elimination of all human input from the corporate interface. Welcome to the new AT&T. Your call is very important to us. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Your automated personal service avatar will be with you in approximately… 13 minutes. See The Future.
A weak person of average intelligence who has neither the toughness to make it in the business world nor the intellect to make it in a legitimate academic discipline.
That point in time when Senior Management admits that the turnip has run dry, that their best and brightest weren’t up to the task, and the Senior PGA Tour just can’t wait.
A mathematical way of detecting whether you are cooking the books. In layman’s terms, there are no insignificant digits in accounting. See also Death and Taxes, Quincy: Forensic Accountant.
The archetype of American business–presenting a well-structured org-chart, predictable quarterly performance, documented processes and best practices, shareholder value, white shirts, short hair, apple pie and Chevrolet. What’s good for BigCo is good for America.
Corporate strategy conceived while boating in the clear waters of the South Pacific. Anything is possible when you are in paradise. Ah, when we get back to New York we’re gonna kick some ass. See Raratonga.
Also known as the Idiocracy Principle, bounded rationality is a law which states that, all other things being equal, the intelligence and ‘rationality’ of employees and customers is always less than that of the company. See HR and Marketing.
A rare and highly valued type of German deli meat. So valued that both the Nasdaq and NYSE have attempted to buy the brand within the past year. See Deutsche Bourse.
A group activity designed to identify what went wrong, who to blame, who’s at fault, and how to avoid being identified as complicit. After about 15 minutes of brainstorming we concluded we could pin the entire fiasco on Roberta.
A measure of the extent to which consumers, vis a vis a particular company and its products, have lost all self-control over how and why they buy.
The person (or party) in a transaction that is responsible for screwing the transaction up; or, the action of screwing the transaction up; or, the state of being screwed up. Everything was hunky-dory until reality came along and kicked me in the sub-primes and now I’m completely brokered.
In the Comanche language, bee-pee-O means to give up, or to quit. Oh fuck it, let’s just move the whole damn thing to India.
The systematic training of new hires in company process, procedure, and protocol to ensure company “fit”. An increasingly popular way to ensure the machine keeps running smoothly.
The series of questions one asks oneself after being re-engineered out of a job. Eg. “Holy shit! what am I going to do now?”
The half-way point in your career, when you realize you’ve already peaked and it’s straight down hill from here.
The corporate bitch. Milking the world’s oldest profession till the STDs (socially transmitted diseases) overwhelm. See Altruism. For the children…
Each month, when I sit down to pay the bills, the cash flows right out of the door.
A form of decision making, common in both communist states and large corporations, where a politburo or board of directors decides what all of the little people will do day by day. See Corporate Training and Re-Education Camps.
Joannie Cunningham’s boyfriend in the wildly popular spin-off series from Happy Days. Fans were so upset at the cancellation of the series after just 2 seasons, it has become a ritual in the US to hand out small statues that look like a cross between Scott Baio and a pen at every single trade show you might attend. Variations include yo-yos, caffeinated mints with bad names, and a variety of other useless items you will hang onto and stare at for at least 5 years before realizing you are unworthy of such a treasure and pass it on to a friend you really love.
In Yiddish it’s Tchotchke. Maybe…
See also (swag? schwag? scwhag? loot?) … say schwat?
An emerging area within scientific management where the senior managers in a firm are summarily sacked at the same time, and are replaced with a new batch. Man, our numbers are shit, we need to change management now!
The one member of the ‘C Suite’ who knows that in any tribe there is in fact only one chief, and that he/she is not that person.
A soft porn television channel where metrics, figures, and digits are softly caressed and manipulated in front of the camera for the pleasure of millions of viewers daily.
CDOs result from shamanic practices where ‘unstructure’ is transormed into ’structure,’ which is then transformed from debt to credit, and then is borrowed against in a sacred prayer ceremony. Largely dependent on the use Hallucinogenic Drugs which, fortunately, are now widely available on Wall Street.
A ‘professional’ who provides ’services’ in exchange for money, often at an hourly rate. The consultant gently stroked my pro forma, which was still warm after coming off the copier.
Stylized form of one way communication often used by business organizations to talk to employees. Sit down. Shut the fuck up. Do what I say. Or you’re out! See Empowerment.
The screenplay of corporate life. It provides the lines, gestures, and scripts that one needs to feign in order to get ahead in the company. See Historical Fiction.
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary).
A fundamental tenet of contemporary Economics, which states that the less something costs the greater the benefit to the user. Holy shit, the beer’s free!
A central part of the new fitness fad, where ’sit ups’ (crunches) are aquired on credit. No exercise, no problem. You can now borrow your fitness at a simple entry-level rate of 11%. See BigPharma.
A new breakfast cereal that is made from part candy-floss, part corn starch, and pure class envy. Particularly popular among idiots and Wall Street analysts.
A large gathering where investors meet up, usually at the Cracker Barrel, and swap recently defaulted lines of credit. After the SWAP, the Cracker Barrel shift manager (who is licensed by the American Resecuritization Association of America) re-securitizes the credit lines. CDSs are usually followed up by a round of golf and then a trip to the local strip club. See Corporate Social Responsibility.
Any member of a well-known American family whose last name is Bush.
One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions (from ‘The Devil’s Dictionary,’ by Ambrose Bierce).
A term coined at the departmental meeting when the guy a few cubes from you, whose name you can’t quite remember, fell asleep during the meeting and his forehead ricocheted off the table as the entire department stared in stunned silence. Simple proof that even a dead cat like that dude will bounce hard and high if the meeting is useless enough.
A highly complex algorithm that provides a visual display of what we already know—senior managers’ decisions sit at the top of the tree and yours sit at the bottom. See the Great Pyramids.
Urban slang for a put-down or insult. The opposite of Appreciation. I fucked him up because he was depreciating me in front of my boys.
The patron saint of Analysts.
Derived from the verb to earn. Refers to money that is tithed to Earnest, patron saint of Money Farmers, each time mass is performed on Wall Street.
A level of intelligence arrived at when you finally realize that employees’ emotions don’t matter. Mind over matters and all that stuff…
A rare but touching occurrence in corporate life when one employee proposes to another at the office.
A clever combination of browbeating, eroded self esteem and indebtedness that makes it impossible for employees to leave a job in between “restructurings.”
A grant to purchase shares of company stock at a set price after a specified vesting period, the value of which upon exercise will be just sufficient to cover the cost of a nice four-slice toaster.
A popular myth which holds that employees today possess ‘power’ to make decisions that affect their work. See Animism and Polytheism.
A national institution in the US that is charged with managing the nation’s composure. The secret to maintaining composure, apparently, is to be a bore. See Ben Bernanke and Alan Greenspan.
The annoying and unpleasant sound that characterizes unwanted and uncontrolled input on the output. The last thing I needed on Monday morning was feedback on the plan from that jackass in finance.
An modest tribute of 15.5% imposed by captains of industry on their lower echelon employees collected by garnishing wages for the improved morale of the owners of the company, typically shown in the potted fig trees (L. ficus, plural fica) and mahogany conference table (a.k.a. FICA tax tables ). Sadly the top management most deserving of this tribute had it stolen by the New Deal Social Security Act. Remnants of this practice can be witnessed in phrases such as “I don’t care a fig about Johnson” followed by a knowing wink.
The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America’s most precious discoveries and possessions. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary.
Of or pertaining to the digestive system. She developed a fiscal hemorrhage right after lunch.
Process of getting a group of people together in a room and having them close their eyes and focus intensely on a single topic. Once the group enters a meditative state, the facilitator picks their pockets. See Market Research.
- Bandit
The most fortunate 500 companies in America. As public companies they are allowed to spend other people’s money and, if they run into financial trouble, are bailed out by the federal government. At which point the failed CEO is paid dozens of millions of dollars to go away and work on his golf swing. Very fortunate indeed… See Bear Stearns and the entire US Airline Industry (except for Southwest).
The new leadership craze. It came about after scientists discovered that by eating the roots of young St. Augustine grass people became exceptionally aggressive and competitive. This has helped sociologists understand why middle managers love golf so much. See the Golf Channel.
A period of time in the US economy when interest rates are kept extremely low and liquidity extremely high. Man, over the span of the past 20 years it’s never been so easy to borrow greenbacks! If it hadn’t been for that Greenspan, I’d a never been able to afford that black bullet-proof stretch Hummer. See the Housing Bubble and Bear Stearns.
In financial usage, gross means utterly repulsive or disgusting. Several members of the Board of the Directors became ill as soon as they saw the company’s gross margin on sales for 2007.
A pesky, resilient substance found sometimes between the toes, sometimes around the bathtub, and sometimes in places best not mentioned in public. Most effectively treated with anitbiotics and/or petro-chemicals. See Organic Growth.
An increasingly popular breakfast food, usually spread on toast or bagels. Made of equal parts sugar, hope, and deception.
“A poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket…”
– Scrooge
You know those recruitment ads they post on monster.com that ask for work experiences that would take 25 years to accumulate, but they only want to pay you as if you have 2? Yet another example of HR puffin’ stuff.
The latest in a long line of euphemisms that refers to the purchase of humans and their labor. See the story of John Wilkes Booth.
With regard to Human Resources, the carrot in “The carrot or the stick.” See Discipline.
The art and science of (re) selling “new” products and services to consumers (that they already have). See Packaging and Design.
As part of ongoing efforts to keep share prices high, corporate representatives will sometimes have relations with certain influential Wall Street Analysts.
A series of theatrical performances perfected by sycophants on the way up. Includes elements of clothing, appearance, speech, etc. See Performance Appraisal. Promotion. Compensation.
That rare experience at work where one of two things happens: 1) You finally have sex with that colleague you’ve been eyeing for years, or; 2) Your boss gets sacked. See Motivation.
A cleverly crafted contract wherein one company screws another while simultaneously convincing the ’screwee’ that it has screwed the screwer. See Faked Orgasm.
A particular type of party, common in college, where students venture down the highway and smoke copious amounts of joints. See…I Can’t remember what to see now?
Generally not talked about very much, refers to those times when workers ‘have relations’ on the job. Man, did you hear those two in the break room during lunch, they were having some serious relations.
Buying a company with somebody else’s money, then gutting the company before re-selling it for more money to some other sucker. Receiving a percentage of the difference is called as a ‘transaction fee.’ See Risk Management.
The art of persuading someone to do something they’d rather not do.
A list of the sycophants in an organization who lack the initiative to do anything on their own and are waiting for someone to hand them an opportunity. See Kool-Aid and Leadership Development.
That point in the history of a company where the cognitive capabilities of the company IT system become separate and independent of the people of the company. See Automation and Matrix Management.
That unfortunate physical state when the contents of one’s bowels more or less resemble water. See the Johnny Walker Quik Steps.
The best satire comes at a specific point in time.
It comes at the point when the outsiders realize the shark has been jumped but the insiders still (strongly) believe the idea/trend/movement still has legs. Ironically, it’s the insiders who author the best satire.
Monty Python’s Flying Circus broadly lampooned British culture at about the midpoint of decolonization and decline following World War II. The show’s continued popularity reflects the fact that for an empire, jumping the shark can be a decades long process.
Economic sociologist, Neil Fligstein, suggests that periods in American business over the last 120 years can be characterized by the executive style that defines them:
- Monopolistic 1890-1920
- Manufacturing 1920-1950
- Marketing 1950-1980
- Finance 1980-????
We are in the Finance period. Rather, we are at the end of the Finance period.
I’ve been reading Long or Short Capital for a long time. For me, it is the bellwether of the end of the Finance period. It is a brilliantly satirical jab to the kidneys of the spent, greedy, soulless financial thinking and decision making that brought us Enron, HealthSouth, and the entire sub-prime fiasco… Thank you very fucking much!
My quick picks:
- Bandit
The unfounded hopes, dreams, and visions on which we stake our future, and our financial and career success.
The art of eliminating a competitor firm by claiming to “acquire” it. See Colonialism.
Contraction of the words man and age, is used to describe what happens to underachieving, overweight men as they approach middle age. Ole Bob over there’s not ever going to break any records, but he manages to get along O.K.
A process whereby a group of disgruntled employees are united in their disdain for a particular manager. The ‘buy-out’ occurs when the employees raise enough cash to induce ’the manager’ to quit the company and leave them alone.
A highly effective form of applied Skinnerian psychology. Usually administered through conventional electric shock-therapy, though recently it has mellowed in some cases into simple forms of verbal berating or non-lethal blackmail. See Hierarchy.
Process by which middle managers expand the girth of their midsection as they climb the corporate hierarchy. Demonstrates the 3rd law of management development; the larger the stomach (i.e. the more developed the midsection), the more important they are in the company.
One of the great oxymorons of our time, refers to extremely expensive offsite ”learning” (in places like Las Vegas and Orlando) where very important people are flatlined by very unimportant people- corporate trainers. See Hypnotherapy.
An archaeological concept used to describe fabrication processes used generations ago. Several rich sites have recently been uncovered in the area of North America now known as Michigan.
Used as a substitue for butter, primarily because it is 30% more slippery. Popular in New York City as a breakfast food, usually served with High Yield Bond Spread.
Reality… A tulip for your thoughts?
A style of management in which company employees are plugged into the Matrix, a simulated reality created by sentient machines in order to pacify and subdue the employee population while their body heat and electrical activity (their only useful outputs) are used as an energy source.
A three letter acronym that stands for “Money Before Anything”—the name of a postgraduate degree in business studies.
The art and practice of objecting to everybody else’s opinions and points of view. See Strategy.
A Japanese-style lyric verse consisting of one line of 57 syllables comprised primarily of platitudes. Sample mission statement: To lead our industry by developing world-class products and services that exceed our customers expectations; and to champion a diverse and empowered workforce; and to delight our shareholders.
A clever, well positioned man or woman who plants complex instruments (such as SIVs, or Structured Investment Vehicles) in the fertile ground of deregulation and then harvests 8 figure transaction fees for his/her trouble. Often defended as a financial risk management strategy—note how well this worked out in the sub-prime mortgage situation. See Private Equity, Derivatives Trading, Hedge Fund Management, Leveraged Buy Out. For simplification, see the movie Other People’s Money.
A business strategy, inspired by the Parker Brothers game of the same name, in which players (CEOs) attempt to acquire property (market share) in an effort to drill other players (the competition) out of existence.
A sovereign political entity that has territory in multiple nation states. MNCs often loan money to other nations in exchange for various kinds of favors. They also kindly provided the pavement that Made Tom Friedman’s World Flat.
A financial term used by fisher-people around the world. Refers to the size of the catch in the nets today, i.e. the present. See Folk Taxonomies.
fade in
…your new colleague in the cubicle one over …sixty pounds overweight …an XXXXL shiny knit golf shirt, knock-off Italian shoes, chronic lower back pain, and brain-waves that track with a block of Colby cheese…
…the new head of corporate strategy—Skip—comes round to your section of cubicles (…two city blocks…) and tells you and your new friend Colby that he wants to see more creativity, more innovation, and more out-of-the-box thinking …the message from corporate is that the company needs to up its rate of innovation, and that this needs to come from internal growth…
…Skip walks away …Colby leans over and asks you…
“What’s internal growth?”
…that’s when it hits you …You pick up the stapler, put four or five quick staples into your forehead, and tell Colby…
“Internal growth is what happens to your lower intestines when you eat the Chicken-Rib-Brisket Combo for lunch twice a week with the guys from Purchasing.”
…you get up and go looking for Skip …Skip is nowhere to be found …Skip is also working on internal growth, today at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ryan’s Steakhouse across the street from the office…
…you press on for the door …you see an employee you sort of recognize as you near the building’s front door, though you have no idea who she is or what she does…
“Can you do me a favor… Tell Skip that I quit!”
…she stares blankly at you, then asks…
“Who’s Skip?”
fade out
fade in
…you wouldn’t believe it …I swung the club so hard that my shoulders went numb, and I thought that I was really gonna be hurt …but I was OK, and the ball bounced onto the green, and I two putted for a bogie …man, it was really something…
…after that, rather than going to the Wal-Mart, we went to Home Depot, where I bought some new glazing for our bedroom windows …you wouldn’t believe how cold our room gets in the winter ..you know, ‘cause in the winter in Indiana it gets really, really cold.’ And I really don’t like to be cold when I sleep…
…I never really got used to that email thing …and now that we got this high-speed faxometer, I don’t really need that internet thing very much …do you guys like the internet thing very much…??
…how about that company picnic, the potato salad was so good! …the potatoes were so soft, they must have really boiled them for a long time to get so soft…
fade out
fade in
…office reorganization… …teams realigned with business objectives…
…Mark’s office is so dark you can’t see a thing… …fucking vampire, where’s his coffin, did I bring a steak…
“Mark, Roger’s moving to your team. Let me tell you a little about Roger so you see where he fits.”
…tap, tap, tap, squeak, squeak, squeak… …Mark is furiously multi-tasking…
“Roger won’t be your best programmer, but he’s smart and willing to leap tall buildings if you give him something hard to work on.”
…like he’s seen it for the first time, Mark picks up Roger’s resume and looks at it… …no expression… …is that a rat in the corner…
“Roger’s been on my team for 18-months. He’s an A-player. I let him run with the big migration we did and he knocked it flat. Code and all.”
…Mark finally opens his mouth…
“Hmm… two-years of experience…”
…eyes narrow… …Mark continues…
“Junior developer.”
fade out
The formal process by which companies reward their most clever sycophants and punish independent-minded employees. See Employee Retention.
Incentive awarded for extra effort and superior results so that Management can set the bar even higher next year.
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Reference Why C.E.O.’s Succeed (and Why They Fail): Hunters and Gatherers in the Corporate Life.
A corporate ritual that eliminates uncertainty by feeding the gods. See Voodoo.
Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it. (Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary)
Accomplish nothing. From the action of literally pushing an envelope back and forth across a desk rather than working on planned tasks. Shuffle paper. Kill time. That Meyer’s project was really something else! We sure pushed the envelope on that one!
A rare form of the Aramaic language where words and sentences are broken down into quarters. Originated as code-talk among Bedouin societies as a way to communicate secretly. Recently revived as the preferred form of communication between senior managers of publicly traded companies and Wall Street analysts. See Speaking in Tongues.
A mirror that reflects the view out of the rear window of a car. Our customers are in our rear view mirror.
The measure of the gap between what a company tells prospective hires and what a company gives new hires. We saved $2M last year on recruitment by getting rid of employee training and the company Friday lunch program and not updating the job benefits section of the company website.
There are three kinds of lies—lies, damn lies, and résumés.
Termination on your 65th birthday by an elite unit of corporate officers known as Blade Runners. See Tyrell Corporation.
A public statement about corporate penis length; usually unrelated to what’s actually in the pants.
A highly scientific process whereby I take money from you to use as a hedge against dodgy investments that I might make, so that regardless of the outcome things work out well for me. For your trouble, you get the opportunity to participate in the Free Market system. See George Bush and God.
ROI stands for Return on Incrementalism, which is a form of measuring what happens to a certain amount of money committed to doing next to nothing. See Geologic Time Scale.
Cross between a high school pep rally and a Vegas magic show, where senior managers reveal the tricks of the trade: sleight of hand, levitation, disappearing rabbits. See David Blaine.
A retro-death metal band formed in Birmingham, England on July 30, 2002. Known for the 2004 hit, “I Cannot Take Responsibility… But I Can Take Advantage of You”.
A contraction of the words scare and city, it was used originally by Danish Vikings who invaded the British Isles in the 12th Century. They scared people in Britain’s cities so badly (for fear of having the shit beat out of them) that they were able to charge them any price for anything. See Paul Samuelson’s Economics 101 Textbook.
Any time when you or your employees are not at work. See Holiday, Vacation, or Weekend.
A measure of the mood of the gods. Ritual sacrifices are often required to keep them happy. See Business Process Reengineering.
Mystic demi-religion mixing the classical model of forms with the oriental understanding of transcendence. Adherents may be recognized by their chanting of incomprehensible acronyms, the two most common being “DMAIC DMADV”.
Those individuals and groups (employees and community members) affected by the behaviors and actions of a company but do not profit from the performance of the company. Opposite of Shareholders, who profit from the company but are otherwise uninvolved and unaffected. See Shareholder Capitalism.
That point in the business cycle when the VP of Human Resources successfully outsources all work (expect his job and the CEO’s) to India. See Corporate Social Responsibility.
CEO chess. A game most often played at 35,000 ft. and/or under the influence. See M&As.
Kick’m in the nuts, and launch something new while their down. See First Mover Advantage.
A highly scientific procurement algorithm learned in the second year of business school. It can be summarized in the following manner: 1) don’t buy what you can lease, don’t lease what you can rent, don’t rent what you can borrow, don’t borrow what you can steal; 2) collect early, pay late, and invest the difference.
Corporate decision-making strategy focused on Swindling, Womanizing, Oafishness, & Touchdowns. See ‘Self Actualization’ in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
The name given to group work where 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people. Teamwork is very effective in companies where 80% of employees are worthless. See the S&P 500.
When I was a kid, my uncle, a successful businessman, decided that it was important that I learn about business and management. ‘Knowing these things will help you get along in life,’ he said. Many of the things he told me have stuck with me ever since. Now, as a way to honor that sage advice I received many years ago, we (Bandit and I) have set out to write The New Management Dicktionary to help others along the way.
Why Dicktionary? Because, as Uncle Earl used to say, you can’t spell management without dick!
I’m not entirely sure, but I think Uncle Earl was a bit drunk when he told me this.
He said:
First thing you need to understand is that you want to work your way into a leadership role, because empowerment is highly overrated and teamwork is for wimps. He insisted that I understand the martial art form of six sigma so that no one would depreciate me in front of colleagues. He said to always watch out for whistleblowers, because they might come on to you in the bathroom.
As for career advancement and management style, he said that a good resume can get you just about anywhere. Once you are in charge, he said, it is really useful to practice matrix management, because this was the most practical way to use employees. Long term goals, he insisted, are not very important, and that what I should really do is just watch CNBC all day long and make sure that the company’s share price stays high all the time.
Strategically, he said that it is important that my company quickly establish a monopoly in the industry, that way we can ignore the Sarbanes-Oxley rules and then we will never have to hire a consultant. Once you’ve established a monopoly, then you no longer have to bother with feedback, which really makes things much easier.
So, I took Uncle Earl’s advice to heart, got an MBA, became an analyst, and went to work on Wall Street. Every weekday morning I now have high-yield bond spread for breakfast, and on weekends I go to the credit default swaps at the Cracker Barrel.
Things have worked out real good for me…
Well, back to CNBC for that climax!
The Butcher
Former motivational speaker Dr. E.L. Kersten (Ph.D. Organizational Psychology), decided one day that he had had enough. On the stump, going from company to company, he concluded that he no longer believed what he said about motivation, teamwork, desire, loyalty, sacrifice, leadership, etc. All of the head-line topics of Organizational Behavior were, he thought, crap. Then he had an idea. Thus Kersten formed Despair Inc., a media company devoted to supporting and encouraging demotivated employees worldwide. In his book, The Art of Demotivation, Kersten outlines his demotivated vision in brilliant detail.
For the aspiring manager who realizes that he/she doesn’t have time for such unproductive and wimpy notions as ‘empowerment,’ ‘grassroots management’ and the like, Kersten’s admonitions will make you feel less lonely as you strive for machine-like managerial perfection. He has put together what he calls demotivators, organized as calendars, around some of the most important themes in contemporary personnel management.
Thankfully, as reported by The Onion failure is now an option.
The Butcher
Training is an organized attempt to assist learning through observation, instruction, and practice. Our customers used to call to complain about our service, but over time we trained them not to call. See Customer Service.
The most honest and straightforward of all the leadership theories. It is the idea that the leader/follower relationship is merely a transaction, and that is all. Give me that fucking report in a half hour… or you’re fucking sacked! See Empowerment.
A form of corporate leadership where the CEO manages to successfuly transform him/her self into one or another form of mutant. See Corporate Lobbyist and US Senator.
All successful companies know that there are three separate bottom lines: one you show to Wall Street analysts, one you show to employees, and one you never show to anybody. See Transparency.
A popular American style of dance characterized by 1) fancy footwork, 2) sleight of hand, 3) intrigue, and 4) hustle.
When companies add another value–such as trust, passion, sustainability, integrity, loyalty–to the list of platitudes that make up the company mission statement. See Corporate Communication.
A cleverly crafted piece of misdirection meant to obscure one’s true objectives–because a bold lie is always more palatable than the honest truth.
An ancient Cherokee word that translates loosely as shadow. “I thought I saw a panther standing behind that rock over there, but it must have been a wachovia.”
A large outdoor church in New York City, USA. Worship is daily from 9:00-4:00. The priests are very-well compensated for performing their ritual incantations.
When a judge issues warrants, it’s time to review your options. (Definition reprinted with permission from “I Was a Patsy”, Lay & Ebbers, 2005, Danbury Press.) See Sarbanes-Oxley.
A left-leaning person of questionable sexuality who shuns his/her patriotic and religious obligations to support corporation organizations as they conduct God’s work on this earth. See Traitor.
